An Exercise in Futility with a System of the American Government and an Ex-Spouse

I've been having challenges with my ex-husband. Today's post will only be in the area of getting him to pay his court-ordered child support. Although there are certainly other post-worthy topics, I'll save them for another day.

After months of little to no payment, in August 2005, I completed the Application For Nonassistance Support Enforcement Services. Fancy way of saying the ex hasn’t been paying, so I need to get the government involved. I hate it. It’s like being a kid and saying, “I’m telling!” in the grown-up world.

I dreaded having to prepare him for what I'd done, because I knew he'd be less than thrilled. He'd no longer be able to get away with little to no payments every month. And here comes the dilemma in having an altercation with someone you had been married to. Unlike trying to resolve a dispute with someone you work with, with your ex, you have an unlevel playing field to start with. He knows all of my "buttons" and weak spots. He knows how to use guilt and emotion to get to me. And he did. I stayed insistant, arguing that this way would be easier for all, as he wouldn't have to mess with wiring money to me when across the country, and I could finally stop "nagging" him as to when a payment might be coming. And he retorted with painful and pleading remarks that were accusing and hurtful.

DSHS was less than helpful. Finally, after about three months of having submitted my paperwork, and having heard nothing from them, I decided to inquire about the status of my case. (This is the government, after all, they do work in molasses - but I thought 3 months was a bit excessive). During this call, I was told that DSHS had mailed him the document informing him of the case, and that the papers had been returned, undeliverable. They informed me that until they had an address for him, they were unable to begin taking payments from his employer.

Me, I would have liked a phone call or a letter informing me that they were sitting around twiddling their thumbs, so that I could take steps to get things in motion.

My ex is now a truck driver, so he is gone for long stretches of time all over the country. When I was finally able to get a hold of him, and ask for his address, he explained that he had just moved, and could not yet remember his address.

He did give me a P.O. box number, but DSHS was unable to use that, as that does not qualify as having served an individual. The case worker explained that to get him served, the papers would either need to be sent to a home address, or an officer would need to hand him the papers in person.

Getting him served in person proved to be even more of a challenge. DSHS wanted at least two days advance notice of when he would be in town, to schedule a time to send an officer to his home. My ex conveniently has never been able to give me notice. Out of the blue, I'll receive a phone call from him, saying that he's in town for a day or two, and many times, this call comes on a Friday. By the time Monday rolls around, and I can contact the DSHS office, he's long gone, off in Colorado or Arkansas.

If I were a cynical person, I'd say he was doing a great job of avoiding the system.

Meanwhile, my case has been transferred to different locations three times. Each time I got a letter notifying me of my new case worker, I would call and explain my difficult situation, praying for a response from a fresh set of eyes on the case.

No good.

Finally, after about eight months of starting this process, I was asked to complete a payment worksheet, detailing all of the payments I have received directly from him since the order was in place. I easily provided this information, as I regularly track it in my budget.

A copy was sent to him, and upon seeing the $15,000 debt he owes in back child support, decides that I must have lied to DSHS in order to cheat the system and get more money out of him. He, of course, has not been tracking the payments he's given me, and is rightfully shocked at the sum of all of the missed payments. It adds up if you're not paying attention!

The unbelievable twist in this ridiculous story is that this information is the catylast that finally gets things moving! He contacts DSHS and he establishes a funds-withdrawl system with them, so that I can't continue to use the system to fuck him!

This is exactly what I tried to accomplish so unsuccesfully back in August!

And get this irony: my ex was right - I have been lying to DSHS. But in his favor! When he expressed frustration as our divorce finalized, that he was already behind in payments, I stated to the court that he was paid in full, to give him a fresh start. And as he was attending trucking school, and beginning his new job, I also reported that he had been making full payments.

Finally. After eleven long months, guess what I found in my mailbox?
I'm so excited, I'm going to frame it.