A Song

Amy regularly chooses a song to highlight in her blog. Most recently, she chose this one.

I remember holding the weight of the reality that my brother was dead. One day earlier, I had been immobile on the couch, shivering under a blanket and getting up to pee every 10 minutes. The effects of being in shock, I'm told.

A day later, I was sitting at the kitchen table, as we began planning out his memorial service. We pondered questions about what to have written for the newspaper statement, where to direct any donations, and what the details of the service might include. Mom was on the phone with a friend of Derek's.

Mom asked the friend to suggest any songs that Derek liked, that we could use during the service. The voice at the other end responded with a suggestion, and Mom looked at me and repeated the person's suggestion. "Bittersweet Symphony?" She hadn't heard of it, and wanted to know if I thought it was a good choice.

In my head, I heard myself say, "Yes, that's the perfect song." However, my voice wasn't teaming well with my body, and all I was able to respond with was nodding weakly as tears began streaming down my face.

Mom told the friend that I agreed with her suggestion, based on my reaction.

And it truly was the perfect song. First of all, Derek loved the song. He played it so loudly, I'd have to ask him to turn it down. He even found a way to program his cell phone (this was back before you could download ringtones) to play the opening notes of the song.

And later that day, when I looked at the lyrics I had printed from the internet, I discovered again that it was the perfect song. No, Derek didn't have a heroin addiction as the lyrics indicate, but the "you're a slave to money till you die" line seemed to fit so appropriately in Derek's case.

It will always be a song I associate with my brother.

Thanks for your post, Amy. I played it loudly.