Hummer

Ok, I know this is uheard of in The Attic.

Two posts in one day?

So, as you know, I was working on the computer. (See previous post.) I got up off the couch, headed for the bathroom. As I rounded the corner, my eyes instantly darted to a huge dark object on the floor.

I'm not sure if you uttered a sound there at your computer, looking at that image, but when I saw that sucker on my floor, I heard myself say:

"Jay-sus fucking christ!"

Sitting there, like a Hummer parked in my hallway, with the engine running. I wasn't even sure if it was a spider at first. I thought possibly it was a huge beetle. My eyes darted to Binta's bedroom, door closed. Thank god the child was sleeping. She must not see this. Which means I have to take care of it myself.

I hate being the adult.

So I went and put on my big clompy Doc Martens and edged past the Monster. I had to get to my camera, but I didn't want to disturb him and send him into a panic. 'Cause I don't think I could have dealt with watching all 8 of his legs flailing around, as he tromped all over my house.

Got the camera, undid the velcro and the zipper. Worried that the loud sounds might startle him. Then I wondered if spiders have ears and can hear loud sound in the first place.

I snapped the photo, using all of the zoom capabilities my camera has, so as not to edge too close to the beast. All this time, he sat there, idling, but not budging.

For at least ten seconds, I stood facing the Hummer. I knew what I had to do. I visualized a perfect excecution of the kill in my mind. Finally, I raised my left foot and slammed it down on top of the beast before it could move. I even heard an audible sound escape my mouth, very much like the sound a person makes when doing karate.

I remained in that position for a bit, as the adrenaline coursed through me. I allowed my breathing to return to normal. I was certain to grind my foot into the carpet a little bit just to make sure he wouldn't be able to retaliate. When I finally worked up the courage to lift up my foot, I was relieved to see he was a crushed mess on my carpet.

I disposed of the body, but there is a stain on the carpet. There was also a juicy stain on the bottom of my shoe.


I'm more upset now than I was when I first encountered him.

How long has he been in my house?
How did he get in?
Are there others?

I'm edging around corners in my house with caution. Like Frank "Ponch" Poncherello, on TV. Except I'm really in danger.