Messy, Complicated, and Emotional

I lay on the bed, pressing my fingertips to my eyes, but feeling some tears slipping through, anyway. Binta comes in.

"Why are you crying?"

"I feel sad."

"Why?" (always why!)

"I miss somebody."

"Who? Uncle Derek?"

No.
Yes.
I don't know.
How can you explain any of this to a 4-year-old? Finding out that my tiny, fragile, 90-year-old grandma (Mom) died peacefully in her sleep was sad news. It was also a relief. She will no longer be in pain or feeling miserable. We were all expecting this. This was supposed to happen.

However, this loss triggers my emotions, and I suddenly find myself re-living parts of my initial grief after losing Derek. These two losses couldn't be more unlike. Grandmas are supposed to die. Twenty-six-year-old brothers aren't. Experiencing death again causes the two to be related. And when I find myself grieving, I find I can't distinguish one from the other. Yes, I'm crying because I miss my grandma. But I've been missing her for several years, since her health and her mind started to deteriorate. And now I finally have the closure and the permission to publicly miss her. But I find that I'm thinking of Derek, and reminding myself that at some point, I'll be by myself.

We visited Dad (grandpa) yesterday, and when my mom asked him how he's doing, he answered:

"Oh, not too good."

"Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"Bring Jane back."

Again, the messy mix of emotions. It hurt to see Dad so sad, aching for his wife of 68 years. But it was also relief to know that his mind was lucid enough to be able to understand this news from several days ago, as well as retain it.

Dad asked how old he was, and we told him that he was 91. He looked at me and asked who I was. I told him, and he told me that I looked old, not like a little girl. I laughed and told him I just celebrated my 33rd birthday on Monday. I'm not the little girl he remembers.

That evening, while buying a bottle of wine at the store, the clerk looked at me and asked if I was over 21. I know I should be flattered for being mistaken for being so young, but in light of what the day had been like, all I could do was to force a smile, and assure him I was.