The "End of the School Year" Party

What I need to do today: pay my bills for the month
What I'll probably do instead: go get my hair cut
In the Attic: Thoughts and reflections the morning after The Party

If you're not a teacher, you're probably guessing that I'm referring to the kind of end of school party that teachers throw for their classes. Perhaps there would be some games, yearbook signing, and ice cream...

What about if I told you there was tequila, vociferous music, risque lap dances?

That's right. I'm not talking about my class party. I'm talking about the school staff variety. All across the country, during the month of June, teachers all over our nation are assembling at central locations to pour obscene amounts of alcohol down their throats, to dance wildly with each other, and to use mild amounts of profanity.

It was a great night! I had nice conversations with people that didn't involve school. I got to have an evening out without having to be a mommy. And I got to see the people I work with engage in some very deviant behaviors!

Staff parties coincide with a time of the year when the classroom is sprinkled with all sorts of bizarre student behaviors. Understandably, a teacher needs a little time out right now. For example, I had one student poke another student in the neck with a pencil. Yeah, good plan. Another student thought to come to school wearing a viking helmet and oversize sunglasses. Ri-i-i-ight. And I even had one student stare me down and completely refuse to return to his seat during a science lesson, just before he took his Fiskars to his assignment, crumpled it up, and threw it in the trash.

This is the time of year, that simply making a trip to the bathroom to pee is not a good use of my time. Instead, using every available minute to keep my head above the quickly-rising water level. Firing off one email after the next to detail the recalcitrant behaviors that the little holy terrors are inflicting on the classroom. Returning phone calls to parents to explain why their child, well-below grade level, might stand to benefit from summer school classes. And of course, finding a date to have guinea pigs (yes, guinea pigs) visit the classroom somewhere between field day, assemblies, library visits, spirit days, and *gasp!* end of the year assessments.

Teachers deserve hazard pay for the entire month of June.

Instead, we schedule an end-of-the-year party, gathering around coolers loaded with beer, hooting and cheering on the dance floor, counting down to June 16.

Because after the buses pull away, and the smell of diesel is just beginning to fade, we breathe one collective sigh of relief. And as we walk back through the empty halls, suddenly Alice Cooper's eloquent anthem begins playing over the PA system.

And you thought the kids were excited for the last day of school!