A Letter to My Neighbor

Schoolwork I need to do today: parent newsletter (god, how I hate writing those!)
Last haircut: yesterday (after 6 months!)
In the Attic: The damn car alarm that continues to wake me up...

Dearest Neighbor,

I hope this letter finds you well and fully rested, although I fear that it won't. I imagine that you are suffering from lack of sleep due the stress of having such a valuable car parked outside at night.

I haven't checked my Kelly Blue Book to determine what must be the actual value of a beautiful car like yours, but I can only imagine they must run in the tens of thousands, with the extreme precautions you must take to keep your car from the masses of thieves that run amok in our neighborhood. What a terrible burden for a person like yourself to have to carry.

But it can't be just the stress alone keeping you from getting your beauty sleep. I'm sure that every time that alarm goes off, and you have to jump out of bed to scare away the potential car thief, it's probably tough to relax yourself and get back to sleep. Heart pounding; adrenaline racing; your breathing quick and shallow. I could understand if it happened once in a while, but several times every night is just an unbelievably high number of potential thefts.

Oh, pardon me! I didn't mean to suggest that each close call was unbelievable. No, certainly not! I saw the look in that elderly lady's eye as she passed by your car. A little too close, if you catch my drift. No, she'll have the law enforcement believing that she was "just innocently passing by your car," but you and I know her true intent. And if a little old lady is capable of such crime, imagine all of the others. I'm fully aware that your alarm is just sensitive enough to determine the motive behind the passerby. I've literally witnessed a triggering of the alarm simply because a person breathed inappropriately near your car. No physical contact was made at all! Now, that's an impressively effective car alarm!

I, too, have the alarm routine memorized. From the initial whirling sounds, to the pulsing siren, to the final high-low tones, each of them cry out for your rescue. And your subtle technique of defending your car is so fantastic, that I frequently don't even see a hint of you when I'm peering out between my blinds.

Well, my friend, my only wish for you is that you could one day enjoy a lifestyle that would allow for a full night's sleep, uninterrupted by the alarm of your car reminding you that everyone here in our neighborhood (with exception of yours truly!) is just waiting for you to take down your guard long enough to get their hands on your precious vehicle.

Sincerely,
your neighbor