"What is it With You and Spiders?"

That's the question I was asked on Thursday morning, as I pulled up to the Ford dealership to give Tina and co. a lift to school, and we discovered a significant-sized spider clinging to the back of my new car.

Ok, back up. So first off, I'd like to address the fact that I seem to have angered many reliable readers by leaving the Hummer post up for so long. It was disturbing, they say, to log in each day, only to be greeted by the same disgusting scene of Hummer on my hallway floor. This "torture" was the inspiration of one of Amy's posts on her blog.

Please understand. As the writer, I am charged with the tremendous responsibility of getting my feelings and emotions across to you, dear reader, with only the 26 letters of the alphabet. And the occasional photo. Quite a task.

You think it's easy being me?

Some ideas are easier to convey than others. In the case of Hummer, I knew I had a daunting task ahead of me, to get my reader to truly shiver with the horror of what I had discovered in the sanctuary of my home. I knew my words would be a good start, I knew the picture would be a huge help, but most of all, I knew that by leaving Hummer up for so long, by forcing my readers to confront this monstrosity day after day, that the emotions would truly leave the page on the screen and begin to make an impression on my reader.

Ok, so this is really just a load of bullshit. I've been busy. Holy mother of god. I've been really really busy. Hummer just came along at an unfortunate time for us all. I'm sorry about it, all right?

So we're back to Thursday morning. You know, with Tina?

As Binta and I leave the house to get Tina and co, I discover a spider has made a web which extends from the gutter of my house to the back of my car.

Tina has a saying: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results each time."

Well, my friends, I have a spider who is in need of a straight-jacket living at my house. Each morning, as I leave, I see this idiot has once again built his web in the same location, stretching from the gutters of the house to the back window of my car. Each morning, I fire up my car, pulling his house apart as I coast down the driveway.

Actually, I guess the straight jacket will now need to be delivered to the Ford dealership. For this time, as I pulled away from the house, I pulled the spider with me. He hitched a ride all the way to where Tina and co. were waiting for their ride to school.

"What is it with you and spiders?" Tina asked as she removed her shoe and removed the spider from my car.

Well, now he lives at the Ford dealership. He's got plenty of cars to build webs on now.

Hummer

Ok, I know this is uheard of in The Attic.

Two posts in one day?

So, as you know, I was working on the computer. (See previous post.) I got up off the couch, headed for the bathroom. As I rounded the corner, my eyes instantly darted to a huge dark object on the floor.

I'm not sure if you uttered a sound there at your computer, looking at that image, but when I saw that sucker on my floor, I heard myself say:

"Jay-sus fucking christ!"

Sitting there, like a Hummer parked in my hallway, with the engine running. I wasn't even sure if it was a spider at first. I thought possibly it was a huge beetle. My eyes darted to Binta's bedroom, door closed. Thank god the child was sleeping. She must not see this. Which means I have to take care of it myself.

I hate being the adult.

So I went and put on my big clompy Doc Martens and edged past the Monster. I had to get to my camera, but I didn't want to disturb him and send him into a panic. 'Cause I don't think I could have dealt with watching all 8 of his legs flailing around, as he tromped all over my house.

Got the camera, undid the velcro and the zipper. Worried that the loud sounds might startle him. Then I wondered if spiders have ears and can hear loud sound in the first place.

I snapped the photo, using all of the zoom capabilities my camera has, so as not to edge too close to the beast. All this time, he sat there, idling, but not budging.

For at least ten seconds, I stood facing the Hummer. I knew what I had to do. I visualized a perfect excecution of the kill in my mind. Finally, I raised my left foot and slammed it down on top of the beast before it could move. I even heard an audible sound escape my mouth, very much like the sound a person makes when doing karate.

I remained in that position for a bit, as the adrenaline coursed through me. I allowed my breathing to return to normal. I was certain to grind my foot into the carpet a little bit just to make sure he wouldn't be able to retaliate. When I finally worked up the courage to lift up my foot, I was relieved to see he was a crushed mess on my carpet.

I disposed of the body, but there is a stain on the carpet. There was also a juicy stain on the bottom of my shoe.


I'm more upset now than I was when I first encountered him.

How long has he been in my house?
How did he get in?
Are there others?

I'm edging around corners in my house with caution. Like Frank "Ponch" Poncherello, on TV. Except I'm really in danger.

Cue the Theme from The Godfather

On my living room floor this morning. His body, an uncanny resemblance to a broomstick, was nearby.

Poor Thunder.

Shoes

Binta came out of her bedroom wearing a black velvet dress with butterfly shaped sparkles all over it.

"Mama, can I wear this today?"

Of course, I'm thinking it's not a good thing to wear today. It's not comfortable for lounging, she won't be able to play outside in it, and she's risking looking a little overdressed at the grocery store today.

But, not wanting to get into a fight before noon...

"Sure."

She lights up and thanks me, and I pat myself on the back for being such a good mom. It was a hand-me-down dress, means nothing to me, so I have nothing invested in it. What do I care if it gets dirty today?

She selects her fancy black dress shoes. The left shoe fits her foot exactly, and her right foot is struggling to fit into the other shoe. She cries and fusses and stamps her feet and whines about how it is hurting her foot.

"We can go to the store today and buy you some new shoes that fit your feet," I suggest.

More whining and crying.

"Looks like your feet have been doing too much growing, Binta."

"But my other foot fits in this shoe!"

"Well, sometimes our feet don't grow at the same speed, baby. Sometimes we grow one foot a little faster than the other," I reason.

She wails in response, "But I've been trying to grow them the same!"

Techno-Geek

So I've been getting some "friendly reminders" that it's been a while since my last post.

Actually, they sound more like, "Hey Tiffany, it's time for an update in Tiffany's Attic!"

Sorry. I have some things that keep me busy. Finishing up the school year, making trip #3 to Boston, buying a new car, and attending the district's 10 tech summer conference, to name a few.

I'll expand on those things later. Right now, my head is spinning from the 10 tech summer conference. I have learned how to use programs such as Word, Powerpoint, and Inspiration. I learned how to add a sidebar to my laptop that includes the weather for both my location and John's. There's a Magic 8 Ball, too. I have learned about sites such as Voice Thread and Survey Monkey. I have created accounts on Shelfari and Myspace. I've also created a new blog that I'll be able to use with my class.

See my Shelfari widget to the right? I'm feeling quite excited about all the new things I've learned. But I need to decompress (or decompose, as Amy might say) right now. I'll check in later.

And I know you will, too.

Superstition

Guess who thinks she's Stevie Wonder's "Best Fan?"

See, Scott Montminy? THIS is Why You Proofread!

I got a Mother's Day card yesterday. It was one of those precious child-made cards. The one where you fold a piece of construction paper in half and write your own message inside, complete with the scratchy handwriting of a child. The card said:

"To Mom: Thac you foc! I love you. love Binta."

Ok. Pause a second here. I know it's early (Seven freakin' o'clock in the morning, to be exact!) but my brain registers the message as saying:

"To Mom: Thank you fuck! I love you. love Binta."

I asked her to read it to me, and she quickly discovered the error that she had made. Apparently, it was supposed to say:

"To Mom: Thank you. You rock! I love you. love, Binta."

She had accidentally printed an "f" instead of an "r" and left out an additional "you."

I feel the need to bring up the Scott Montminy debate again.

Losing a Tooth, Binta-Style

What other child do you know who will provide a play-by-play narration as she pulls out her second tooth?

Awesome!

Thanks for writing Tiffany... I had fun trying to correct your grammar by suggesting that your use of a hyphen after the 8 ("eight- and nine-year-old children...") was incorrect... Boy, did our viewers let me have it. I had to eat a plate of crow on the air, as viewer after viewer emailed to explain the virtues of the "suspended hyphen". That's what I get for trying to teach a teacher! I should have known better, as my wife is a 1st and 2nd grade teacher (though she's currently at home raising our four kids). I'll think twice before correcting a grammarian in the future. Thanks again for the email, and please share my thanks with your friend from Maynard for watching!

Sincerely,
Scott

p.s. Please don't correct this email for grammar, spelling or punctuation!!! ;-)

Setting the Record Straight

Dear Mr. Montminy,

I am writing to you regarding a recent news segment in which a park sign, missing an apostrophe, was discussed. My understanding is that the apostrophe will be inserted into the sign, now that the error has been discovered.

I am told that you felt this was no big deal, that it was just a "small grammatical error."

I am a third grade teacher in Washington State. I work very hard at teaching my students when it is appropriate and inappropriate to use apostrophes in their writing. Eight- and nine-year-old children typically make two kinds of errors when working with this punctuation mark.

The most common mistake seems to involve misplacing apostrophes. Once the apostrophe is discovered as a new punctuation mark, my students tend to carelessly throw it around all over the place, most commonly using the apostrophe to pluralize words. For example, a third grader might write, "My cat's are fun to play with."

To help my students appreciate the apostrophe, and to develop more restraint when using it, I "charge" my students $1,000,000 for each apostrophe used in their writing. I tell them that I have two offers that they can use an apostrophe for free (to show ownership or to write a contraction), but all other apostrophes will require payment. This playful "threat" causes them to become much more deliberate when deciding to use an apostrophe.

The other challenge that I have is teaching my students where to place the apostrophe when writing a contraction. For example, a third grader might write "does'nt."

To help my students understand where the apostrophe is placed in contractions, we "act out" the merging of the two root words. (In this case, "does" and "not.") When the two words are joined together, they meet with such force that the letter "o" is jolted from position, and replaced with an apostrophe. This visual activity makes the concept both fun and easy for my students to remember apostrophe placement in contractions.

As you can see, I spend a fair amount of time working on making sure my students know how to handle apostrophes appropriately. When my friend, a resident of Maynard, MA, heard your statement on the air, he felt that I might like to share my thinking with you and alerted me to this story.

I believe that public signs should display correct grammar. Every effort should be made to avoid errors on public signs, and if ever an error is discovered on a public sign, it should be corrected immediately.

It is my hope that my thoughts have influenced your thinking, and that you no longer see the missing apostrophe as "no big deal." I'm certain that your third grade teacher would agree with me.

Sincerely,
Tiffany ******
Third Grade Teacher

Subliminal Messages?

I was happily driving down the road, when I did a classic "double take" upon hearing the singer say, "I think I'll go to Boston." No, I thought to myself. I did not just hear that.

Turns out that's exactly what I heard!
I told John it's a "sign."

April Fools Day - Not Just a Day to Play Harmless Pranks

I called to Binta, "Dinner's ready - come eat!"

Binta comes into the room and says, "Finally! Well what took you so long?"

I display a seriously irritated expression on my face.

Binta relizes she has crossed a line and attempts to save face, " Uh, April Fools..."

Yeah, nice try.

Pretty Much the Worst

I would like to suggest that I have just experienced the worst day ever.

So it started off with my doctor's appointment. Now ask any woman, and she'll tell you that the annual pap smear is not something she looks forward to. It's something we tolerate because we know we have to do it. But it is very unpleasant and awkward and uncomfortable, from start to finish. Beginning with the urine sample that you try to get into the tiny cup and end up peeing all over yourself in the process.

And finishing up with discovering an unexpected message from the doctor's office, asking you to please call back regarding your appointment from that morning.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Picture me lying there, on the little table, scooched down to the very end to the point where you think you're going to fall off the table if you go any further. The doctor is doing the breast exam, so I'm pretty much as exposed as I could possibly be. Suddenly, there's this banging from outside of the window. The blinds are closed, of course, but from where I'm lying, I can see (through the slats) a guy rappelling from a rope with a squeegie in his hand.

Turns out it's window washing day at the Multicare Health Center.

My doctor was very unhappy, and covered me up. She went out to see why the window washers would be outside a gynecologist's office on a business day. She suggested we wait a few minutes for them to move on before getting back to my exam.

And that would explain why I was late for work.

I flew into my classroom 3 minutes late as the kids were coming in, and had just enough time to remove my coat and drop off my bag by my desk, when a parent comes over to me.

It's the parent who emailed my principal yesterday, asking to meet with her about her son's progress in third grade without inviting me. This parent has now just asked me if it would be ok for her to "just sit in a chair in the back of the room today to watch how he does during class."

This took me totally by surprise. The thought of this parent sitting there, staring at me all morning did not sound like a good time to me, so I explained that parents usually set that kind of thing up through the office. She told me that the psychologist said that it's ok for her to do that, if it's ok with the teacher. I re-iterated that I'd feel more comfortable having her go through the school policy of clearing it with the office first.

She left, and that's when I started panicking. I could only imagine the results of her son's sudden perfect behavior, and the conclusion that she'd draw, that I'm just making stories up about how he's not paying attention during class. Anyone think that having Mom sitting in the room would have an impact on the kid's behavior? Looks to me like the kid's got perfect behavior! What is this teacher talking about?

Now I get to look like a liar. Lovely.

Fortunately, she was turned away by the office. The secretary explained that observations need to be set up in advance. I'm so incredibly relieved, because I don't think I could have handled that stress today.

My principal came by to talk to me a little later, and explained that the mom spoke with her this morning. Apparently, she's concerned about how far behind he is, and thinks that maybe she would be better off pulling him out of class to homeschool him. In her eyes, she could do a better job than me (teaching her son + 25 other kids). I asked my principal why the mom is being so secretive, and why she isn't including me in any of this.

Apparently, her son says that he's uncomfortable in class, because I yell.

I was completely dumbfounded with that accusation. As my mouth was hanging open, my principal said that she told the mom, "Of all of the staff at this school, this teacher is the last teacher who I could ever believe would do that." The mom admitted that her son is "sensitive to re-direction," and the principal responded with, "Well, if your son is that sensitive, then I can guarantee that we will have problems finding a fourth or fifth grade teacher for him."

This is the same mom who told me all about the "bad second grade teacher who didn't like her kid" at the beginning of the year. Well, I guess that teacher's been replaced. Now I get to be the "bad third grade teacher who didn't like her kid." And next year, I'll get to hand over my torch to the "bad fourth grade teacher who didn't like her kid." And so on, and so on.

See, I can write all this out, illustrating how absurd all of it is. But emotionally, I cannot help but feel completely devastated and heartbroken.

I made it through the day. On my way home, I noticed I had a voicemail message. It was the nurse from the doctor's office, asking me to please call back when I get the message, she needs to share a bit of information with me.

I went from panicking that I was pregnant, to fearing that I was going to die in about 5 seconds. With shaking fingers, I dialed the number, and didn't have to wait too long on hold before I was connected. I'm sure it wasn't too long, but it FELT long. The nurse explained that in the confusion and chaos of having to interrupt my exam, thanks to the window washers, the doctor had neglected to do one of the routine tests.

That was it. I started breathing again, once my heart re-started.

And then, the finale. I dropped Binta off at my mom's, so I could go to Tina's "Thank God Report Cards are DONE" party. First, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some ice and plastic forks. Unfortunately, I went to the store in my district, and got spotted by a former parent. She started some small talk with me, and when I was just about to head out, she said, "So, are you having a baby?"

I'm sure I don't have to tell you how incredibly humiliating and embarrassing this was. This moment pretty much was the clincher.

The worst day. Ever.

But tomorrow. Tomorrow HAS to be better. I have to believe that.

I am a Horrible Person

For some time now, I have been getting cheap thrills by watching this clip.

I laugh until my stomach hurts and I have tears running down my face.

I'm not sure what sends me over the edge each time. It could be any number of things:

• the fact that the lively music continues to play in the background
• the fact that it takes several seconds for the other girl to offer any assistance
• the sight of grapes flying off the girls feet as she tumbles
• the fantastic sound effects of hearing her cries in slow motion

Perhaps it's the fact that in her attempts to cheat (by telling the other girl to stop so that she could demonstrated her quick stomp technique) she has, in fact lost.

Cheaters never win.

Really, none of it is funny. Yet I can't stop watching it and making my cheeks hurt.

4 Things

An interesting way to learn more about me:

4 jobs I've had:
1. telemarketer for Olan Mills portrait studio
2. housekeeper for the Golden Kent Motel
3. women's advocate at battered women's shelter
4. Kindergarten teacher

4 favorite movies I'd watch over and over:
1. The Goonies
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Better Off Dead
4. Say Anything

4 places I've lived:
1. Great Falls, MT
2. Kent, WA
3. Bellingham, WA
4. Seattle, WA

4 TV shows I watch:
1. Lost
2. American Idol
3. Grey's Anatomy
4. Smallville

4 places I've been:
1. Maynard, Massachusetts
2. New York City, New York
3. Dakar, Senegal
4. Honolulu, Hawaii

4 people who email me often:
1. John
2. King County Library System (with hold and overdue notices)
3. Tina
4. Dictionary.com (with the word of the day)

4 favorite foods:
1. gyro salad
2. strawberry waffles
3. Mongolian beef
4. chicken fajitas

4 places I'd rather be:
1. John's house
2. on the beach
3. in Henderson's used bookstore in Bellingham, WA
4. on summer vacation

4 things I look forward to doing someday:
1. calling "Car Talk"
2. buying my own house
3. getting something published
4. getting married? again?

4 favorite phrases I use all the time:
1. Sww-eet!
2. Right on!
3. What's up, yo?
4. I love you.

4 favorite English words:
1. quintessential
2. ubiquitous
3. serendipity
4. do decagon

4 favorite books of all time:
1. Harry Potter (books 1 - 7)
2. The Kite Runner
3. Summer of the Monkeys
4. The Rainmaker

Sending Valentines

Binta and I got to work last night, filling out those commercially-made valentines with the names of the kids from our classes. She did a wonderful job of using the list provided by her teacher to copy each child's name onto a valentine.

She got to Luke's name, and said, "I know Luke's first, middle, and last name. Lucas Turner."

I said, "That's only Luke's first and last name. What's his middle name?"

Binta looked at me, a little bewildered, and said, "Iss."

Hair!

When did hair start to become such a problem?

Back as a child, it was merely an inconvenience that needed to be combed or washed on occasion.

As a teen, it was a challenge to sculpt and mold. (I know I'm not the only girl who discovered the magical gravity-defying properties of the curling iron and hair spray!)

But now, as an adult, hair is a full-blown problem.

Guys I know worry about losing their hair.

As a woman, my problem is that I have hairs showing up where they're not supposed to. Like my chin.

I remember looking at women who have long or dark hairs (or both!) growing out of their chins, thinking, "How does it get like that? How does a woman get to the point when she looks into the mirror in the morning and thinks, 'Yeah, I've got long hairs sprouting from my chin, and I'm good with that!'"

And then one day, I was driving my car when I happened to glance up at my reflection in the rear-view mirror. I nearly ran off the road, when I discovered, to my horror, a hair at least 1.5 centimeters long hanging on to my chin!

The most horrifying fact was not that the hair was there, but that in order to grow to the length it was, it had to have been there for a while! It was a strange combination of the tilt of the mirror and the angle of the sunlight that brought this stray blonde hair to my attention.

And then I started noticing more. I now have a nervous habit of rubbing my chin while I'm here at my desk, searching for more unwelcome hairs through touch.

I must seek and destroy all misplaced hairs on my chin.

If you see a woman who has a long hair hanging off her chin, there's a chance that she just doesn't know it's there yet. Pull her aside, privately, and tell her. She deserves to know.

An Indicator that we Need to Spend More Time with my Family in Montana

We were enjoying a breakfast in Applebee's. Suddenly, a man wearing a cowboy hat walked in.

Binta looked at me with wide eyes, and gasped, "Mama! There's a real cowboy here!"

Fiscal Education

"Mama, what is that guy doing?"

"He's working."

"How?"

"He stands there on the corner, holding a sign that tells drivers about a store that's having a big sale."

"Is 'sale' when you get to go to the store and take anything you want without paying?"

"Uh, no. A sale is when a store is selling their things for less money."

"That's great! 'Cause you have less money!"

Christmas 2007

Days of Winter Vacation Used: 7
Remaining Days: 6
In the Attic: The Santa Lie

Remember last year? Remember the frickin' kitchen that I toiled over, assembling piece by piece for hours? I was so thrilled that this year, I wouldn't have any major assembly to complete prior to Christmas Morning.

I put Binta to bed with the same scare as last year: "Better get to bed, or Santa can't come leave your presents." I love that line! I wish I could use it more than just once every 365 days! It makes bedtime SO easy!

I allowed ample time for her to fall asleep, then proceeded to set up "Santa's workshop" at the dining room table. I had paper, bows, ribbons, and tags. And about 10 more packages to wrap. I put The Santaland Diaries, on the stereo, so I'd have some holiday cheer while I worked away.

David Sedaris had just finished recounting his experience as a Macy's Christmas Elf around 11:30, when I heard a little person's shocking gasp and inhalation of breath. I looked up, with ribbon and scissors in hand, to see Binta standing in the hallway, rubbing her eyes, and gaping at the Christmas tree, now surrounded by colorful packages.

"Binta! Santa said you're supposed to be asleep!"

"You talked to him?" she asked, with awe.

Thinking quickly back to the Troubleshooting section of the Parenting Manual, I had to make the split-second decision as to if I had had a conversation with Santa or not. I decided I wasn't prepared to back up a fictional conversation with a guy I hadn't met.

"Well, no, I didn't talk to him. I just know that's what he says. "

I tucked her back into bed, telling her not to get up until Christmas Morning. I finished my wrapping, put all of my materials away, and remembered to take care of the milk, cookies, and celery that Binta had left as an offering. I ate one cookie and disposed of the rest, because I was concerned that she might be observant enough to notice if they were returned to the kitchen. Yes, you may think that's overdoing it a bit, but she is a pretty sharp cookie.

Christmas Day came and went without a mention of the scene. I confided in my mom with a hushed voice about how I had been busted the evening earlier. She, of course, found it hilarious, and had to share the story with Larry.

Just when I think I'm in the clear, Binta brings up the subject before going to bed last night:

"Mama, do you remember when I got up and you said Santa said to go back to bed?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Did you see him?"

"Uh, no. I was working there, at the table, wrapping presents for Nana and Papa, like you saw me. I know I went into the den to take a break and do some computer work, and when I came back out, I saw that he had already been here."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Well, no. I mean, I just went into the den for like a second, and he was already gone. But I guess that makes sense, right? Cause he's got a lot of houses to get to. He has to be pretty quick with his visits."

"But how did he eat the cookies and milk so fast?"

"Well, maybe he doesn't eat them at the houses. Maybe he takes some of them back home for Mrs. Claus, or the elves."

"But I only gave him 3 cookies. There's too many elves."

"Well, he gets lots of cookies, remember? He's not going to be able to eat all of them himself. He probably eats a couple at the first house, and then saves the others to take back to the North Pole."

"But how does he get them there?"

"Well, as Santa's dropping off all of the toys, his sleigh is emptying out. Maybe he has a special sack that he uses to put the cookies in, so he can take them back to share with everyone, cause by then, he'll have more room."

Finally, no more questions came. I think she's satisfied. For now.

I think my kid just may have a future as a detective interrogator.

Anyone else slightly disturbed at the ease in which I was able to lie on the spot like that?